Dominoes.

Haring

My life is like a giant domino extravaganza. Not just in the obsession to find a match out there in the wide world like you do when you throw the bones in a game… but also like one of those huge, complicated, intricately set up domino designs where, with a seemingly insignificant … tiny… touch to a single domino, an unretractable series of events is set in motion.

Everyday is a new domino for me, and on the days when they fall just a little harder than I would like, I look back at all those other ones. Those days and weeks and months and years of dominoes that came before… I look for the answers, the explanations… but all I see is a lot of dominoes looking back at me.

Here is where I need to be able to run things in reverse and see if things make more sense in retrospect. I will start with a recent domino…

I am returning to Thailand tomorrow for my Easter holiday, which is only because…
I returned to Hong Kong last August instead of staying in the States, which is only because…
I met a boy who I needed to see again, which is only because…
I moved to Lamma Island from Kowloon City last winter, which is only because…
I met someone who said I could stay with them rent free while I sorted things out, which is only because…
I went to visit Lamma Island with a friend who came to visit me from Taiwan, which is only because…
I was in Hong Kong and she wanted to see a familiar face, which is only because…
I met her in a class in San Diego, which is only because…
I quit my job in the States, which is only because…
I was encouraged to try something different by those closet to me, which is only because…
They saw that I was struggling, which is only because…
I let myself settle for something that wasn’t right for me, which is only because…
I was afraid that I would never find what I was supposed to be looking for, which is only because…
It seemed like everyone else was so deeply satisfied, which is only because…

There are so many more inroads that have lead me to where I am. I am not sure if I should be thankful, vengeful, confused, satisfied… or just ready to set up some more dominoes. In the end, it is still just a beautiful design, a series of patterns and connections that defy rational explanation.

It is my life.

Steps... up

Amanda, 36, Hong Kong

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About Amanda

I am repatriating expatriate trying to work it all out. Well, to work some of it out anyhow. I am writing here for sanity, focus and general over-sharing.
This entry was posted in 30 Voices, Friends, Life. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Dominoes.

  1. Pingback: Stranger than Fiction. « No, THIS is how you do it…

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