And then there were three, and it seemed like not a lot.

It is noon on Monday, December 10th, 2007. I am in my pajamas looking over at my cats who have returned from their morning of mayhem and are now napping on the love-seat adjacent to the sofa on which I find myself. My furniture is not nearly as nice as that sentence makes it sound, and as the sentence wasn’t especially ornate, that says a word or two about my present surroundings. Still, it is a pleasant temperature outside, it is only slightly hazy so I can see HK island nicely from my window and I do not have a headache in spite of the wine I drank last night.

I am enjoying a breakfast of coffee and Almond Roca candies (left over from the book group potluck I hosted yesterday) and thinking that I should be doing something. (My cats never seem to share that concern.) I have been simultaneously over- and underwhelmed with work lately. It is a very busy time of the year in the best of circumstances and I have been feeling very out of sync. Because of this I am eating more Almond Roca.

I wrote a blog that perfectly expressed my current state of mind on MySpace a few weeks ago and the website ate it before it was published and it was gone. Since then I have been trying to recapture the blog (not possible literally or metaphorically) and have consequently been stuck in the space of that now deleted missive. I feel trapped by the void. Today I am going to let go of that blog and move on. And I am going to enjoy more Almond Roca on the way.

Today I will put in writing three things I want to do before I die. [And thank Clare and Stacy for adding the perfect qualifications to the concept.]

1. Set foot on every continent. Well, more than set foot… I want to experience all seven continents. Thus far I have managed Europe, Asia, Australia and North America. I look forward to South America and Africa with so much excitement I can hardly think about it, and to Antarctica with respectful intimidation.  The obstacles have generally been questions of commitments, money and logistics… But in the last three years I have really learned a lot about overcoming all three of those, so all it will require for me to accomplish this will be time… and hopefully I have that.

2. I would like to publish a book. I don’t think my thesis counts, but it was a start. I have so many ideas… but it seems as though I have so little follow-through. Besides the fact that “being a writer” has become as cliche out here as “I’m really an actor” in LA, I am not sure all the things I thought I had to say are as significant/unique/amazing as I once thought. This means that the delivery will have to be s/u/a and that takes inspiration. So far my inspiration has been like my love-life…  passionate but inconsistent, bizarre but predictable, mildly uninspired and short lived. I suppose accepting that this might be my genre is what it will take to make this happen.

3. I would like to have the opportunity to make amends to the following people:
    Joshua I.
    Jesse P.
    Melissa R.
    Eric R.
    Dan S.
I am aware that no one HAS to accept an apology, and in fact, much as I am loathe to say it, I have no control over whether or not a certain person even wants to make amends. In spite of that, or maybe because of that, I would like the chance to talk to each of these individuals someday and to tell them that the way things went between us was awful and hurtful and unnecessary. That they were incredibly important people in my life and because of them I am changed and grateful, and in some cases scarred, but scars too can be meaningful. What has stopped me so far… I suppose at first it was ego, but then it became logistics. And in the case of Dan, it is his iron will. I lost Joshua long ago and do not know where he is… Jesse and I erupted like atomic matter and he too has gone missing from my life and contacts. Melissa the same. Eric allowed me the opportunity just recently and though it was simple and clearly limited, it was beautiful. Eric taught me a lot and one of his most recent lessons has to do with time and attitude and I will apply it to my efforts to reach out to the others on this list.

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About Amanda

I am repatriating expatriate trying to work it all out. Well, to work some of it out anyhow. I am writing here for sanity, focus and general over-sharing.
This entry was posted in 30 Voices, Friends, Life. Bookmark the permalink.

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