Time to come clean.

Kung hei fat choi! We are now officially into the year of the rat. The Chinese say that this is the year fr new beginnings, and of course, it looks to be a very auspicious year according to the people who know those kinds of things. I do wonder what they would do if it was supposed to be a really shitty year, would they tell us? Regardless, I have to admit in the limits of my human brain, I would much rather hear that it is supposed to be a good year than the alternative, so I am okay with their prognosis.

I am in a pretty acceptable place for now, someone I used to know really well just told me I seem content, which I would not go so far as to say, but for the time being I am at least not filled with angst, regret, despair, or general unpleasantness.

I am just home from Cambodia where I went to see Angkor Wat and it was amazing. I do feel compelled to share it in blogs, but because I do so much old-fashioned writing when I travel, by the time I get home, blogging seems a little redundant. I create very colorful and textured travel journals though, and you are welcome to see them anytime you would like… I just realized that those journals are a habit I picked up from a Nevada teacher named Lanette Bowen as part of the Geographic Alliance In Nevada when I went to Alaska in the summer of ’98… weird flashback.

While I was in Siem Reap, the first night actually, I had an incredibly lucid dream that I was dead. In fact I was getting so upset about it that I woke myself up to remind myself that it was only a dream, but then when I went back to sleep I went right to where I had left off. I had killed myself, apparently to show someone [I know who, you can guess] up. Like, oh I will show you, I’ll kill myself. Hmm. Not the most intuitive solution. I was walking around and kept running into people who were really upset, I also remember specifically two of them, and I tried to tell them it was fine I was right there… but they could not hear me. Then this woman approached me and asked me what I was doing and I was so glad she could see/hear me, I thought that it must be the people I was talking to and not me that was creating the impossibility of communication. But she was dead too. So, it was me.

Then I woke up for real.

Apparently, if you dream about your own death it “indicates a transitional phase in your life; you are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.”

Further, if you dream of suicide it “denotes that conditions in your life are so frustrating that you are no longer willing to cope wth a situation or relationship in the same way as you did in the past. Alternatively, you may be unable to overcome feelings of guilt and thus turning the aggression on yourself. On a more positive note, it may suggest that you are saying goodbye to one aspect of yourself or character that you have been carrying around.”

Well, ho-leeeee sheeeeet.

That sounds about right.

I have just signed a contract with the company where I currently work to extend my stay in Hong Kong. For. Three. Years.

I haven’t really told many people about it, so of course a public blog on myspace seems like a great way to deal. It is a good contract, very lucrative, with benefits and such that cannot be matched in the States, at least right now. I will be doing a lot less teaching and a lot more – well – structuring of education, I guess. It gives me a chance to use my ideas in a larger scale; apply them in some other ways than in the sanctity of my own little classroom.

God, it sounds a little tyrannical when you put it like that. [I sense some students around the world shuddering at the thought.]

Maybe the dream was prophetic. Maybe it was symbolic. Perhaps it was accurate. No matter how you look at it, I am definitely looking at some new things. I hope I am becoming more enlightened, if not spiritual, or at least learning something along the way. Guilt is not helpful for anyone, so it is definitely time to let that go, no sense dragging oneself down that road. I feel pretty free at the moment, and while I do not want that to be confused with contentment, it is not at all bad. People all over the world have been fighting for freedom for a long, long, long time.

Angkor Wat is amazing. You should see it. Some truly eye-opening things might happen if you do.

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About Amanda

I am repatriating expatriate trying to work it all out. Well, to work some of it out anyhow. I am writing here for sanity, focus and general over-sharing.
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