“There was something else I wrote here as a segue, but it is lost from my mind now so I will start in on the part of your letter that really stuck with me…or struck me. Either way, you said: ‘I am glad to hear that things are going better with you. I read some of the other stuff you posted on that site you linked to the article you wrote about HST’s death. Gives a different impression of your time in Asia than your myspace profiles. Glad to know things aren’t as bad anymore for you :)’
I should start by saying that I think blogging is such a weird medium. So totally self-indulgent, and in hindsight, often quite embarrassing. Don’t you think it is strange to put stuff up there for public consumption? So much so, in fact, that I am always still surprised to discover that people actually read the stuff. I mean, I am glad, but surprised none the less. Also, what I put up there on that particular MySpace page was not all that deep… I mean really, when people ask how you are doing, they never really want you to stray too far from the following:
“Great, man! How are you?”
If you deviate from this standard discourse you can actually see people’s faces start to give off the distinct impression that they may be standing in something very squidgy. Like poop.
Try it. You will see what I mean.
So, since I operate under this general assumption, it seems like the most appropriate stuff to put out there in blog-land are the stories that suit the audience, and for me that was a group of people who thought I was a little (or a lot) crazy, and generally just going along on life’s road observing things.
Observation is a myth. If your eyes are open, it is Experience. And while observation is easy and simple… experience is not – it is full on. That is logical, right?
Now, a little background: I was quite aware that I was running away from stuff when I left the States and even though I knew it would not be a good way to deal with things I still tried to pretend it would. This is never a good philosophy, and I should have known better. In fact, I did know better, but, well you know, there you go. So, that stuff was bound to catch up with me. And it did.
But here’s the thing. Actually what I put in those blogs that came across as less than, ummmm…. Happy? I never thought any of it was especially bad. Does that make sense? I mean, it was definitely not all pretty and I am certainly one who does not like to admit my imperfections… especially since I spend most of my life pretending I do not have any… 😉 But in a way it was just a sort of stream of consciousness catharsis, and it was good for my overall perspective I think.
What I am trying to say, in my typically verbose manner, is that I was actually surprised to hear that those blogs painted an unhappy picture because that is not how I remember them. Still, when I revisit them I can see it, which goes to show you the power of memory. I guess I have stopped compartmentalizing things into good-bad/happy-sad categories and I am just looking at them as the sum total now. Maybe that is good and maybe it is just more sophisticated denial, either way it’s what is working at the moment.
I am glad you read the stuff and that you pointed out the distinctions you saw because it made me go back and revisit those pages to see how they came across and I am glad I did that. There definitely was some divergence from the more palatable MySpace stuff so I see what you mean… but in the end I think I just wanted to say that though I am pretty pleased with life right now… it does not detract from the other phases, just makes it all more of an experience rather than an observation.”