The Retribution Hook Up.

I have been wanting to write about this but then thinking, hmmm…. perhaps it is too much for certain members of my audience. But I am struggling with the notion of censure these days as well as the more basic censor. I am torn. The question of how personal to be – or not to be – begs a degree of serious consideration. But then, at this point, it seems like, what the hell. Scandal sells, and my circus of a dating life could be a NY Times syndication.

So, as Mr. Vonnegut so aptly said, it goes.

When one gets asked out it is hard to not be flattered and I would say this even includes the requests that come from people you would never even consider offering an affirmative. It is nice. It is validating. It makes you feel special, like, selected or something, even if you were already feeling pretty fly about yourself. When I was recently asked out by OMYSFYSFYBMM I was all of the above, though I was certainly not averse to acquiesecing. I was pretty psyched, frankly. And, as the details of the date are not really so salient here, plus I think people have imaginations that might lend more color to the story than my words might, I will just say it was a pleasant set of circumstances all the way around. It was what I would describe as a successful date.

For all of these reasons, you can imagine my surprise to learn, on the second date, that OMYSFYSFYBMM has – not had, but has – a girlfriend.

-Yeah, well, I know. It is kind of weird.
-Umm, weird is not precisely how I would describe this.
-Well, we have been having some problems for the last few months and…
-“Few months”?
-Well, we’ve been together for five years…
-Five years?
-It’s just that, well, I don’t know. She was cheating on me and so we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms…
-You live together?
-Yeah, we bought a house last year. And the thing is, it is kind of complicated…
-You think?
-I just.. well, I don’t know how things are going to go and well, there is a kid…
You have a kid?
-No. I mean, well she has a kid. And, well, he is 12 and I have been you know, with him since he was like seven and…
-I think the word you are looking for is not the linking verb ‘with’ but rather the active verb ‘raising’.
-Yeah, yeah. That is the thing. And so… Well, really I had sort of made up my mind to try to work it out with her the day that I asked you out and…
-Why did you ask me out?
-The first time I saw you I knew I wanted to get to know you, you were just totally intriguing and –
-‘Get to know me’?
-Well, yeah, and –
-But, you are in a relationship.
-Yeah, well, like I said I am not sure-
-You live together with a child.
-I know, it is confusing. But she was seeing some other guy and I, well, I didn’t think you would be so cool and-
-You ‘didn’t think I’d be so cool’?
-I don’t know, I had no idea I would be so interested and –

At this point a million things were going through my mind. On the one hand I felt lucky that he had not confessed that he had AIDS or scabies (under our current circumstances, the latter would be more problematic than the former). On the other hand I was super irritated at the notion that he even thought I might not be ‘so cool.’ Then again, I was glad to know he was not fathering children around the City with reckless abandon and that he seemed to accept responsibility for the one he was “with.” And it was nice to know that someone thought you were hot enough to ask out on the day you had decided to attempt to work it out with your LTR. What the hell?

And then it hit me: “The Retribution Hook Up.”

It made perfect sense. He had been pissed off enough to try to ‘do unto others’ as it were. She cheated. He would cheat. This was new for me. “The Other Woman.” I thought about this label. I did not like it. Making completely fucked relationship choices for my own life has been a full-time occupation, I hardly have the time to be fucking up other people’s shit.

I considered the karma I have undoubtedly piled up with my past relationships and the attendant fall-out. It is substantial to be sure. Could this be a part of it? Maybe. It could also just be my own proclivity towards selecting, from an admittedly wide array, the most likely person to cause me problems in an intimate, interpersonal way. The whole situation stinks. And of course, OMYSFYSFYBMM and I are incredibly compatible in a million ways. I suppose the cheating may be one of those. When he texts or calls, which is always just when I have gotten him off my mind, it takes an iron will to simply ignore. I called in all the girls as my support network. C in HK reminded me in her perfectly succinct way:

Stop feeding that stray cat of a man.
This is a dead-end street with a car coming.
That woman will go apeshit. Do not continue. She will be angry and blame woman not man.

So, now I have the opportunity to do the right thing. Maybe it will reduce a bit of my karmic debt and maybe it won’t. But one thing is for sure right about now:

Ho’s before Bro’s – and if you hooked up with me and *then* you were surprised at how cool I am, you are clearly not paying attention.


About Amanda

I am repatriating expatriate trying to work it all out. Well, to work some of it out anyhow. I am writing here for sanity, focus and general over-sharing.
This entry was posted in Absurd Shit, Friends, Life, Philosophical Underpinnings, Relationships, San Francisco, true stories and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to The Retribution Hook Up.

  1. “It’s complicated” is never worth it. I did it for a while and it’s not. It would have been better to have properly ended one before starting the next. And getting involved with someone complicated is worse.

  2. Stacy says:

    That is just… wrong… on his part, it’s cheating, plain and simple. If they were in an open relationship, fan-flipping-tastic, but nope. Stay away chica stay far far away! 😉

    • Amanda says:

      Meh… Wrong, right… As a cheater myself, I’ll try not to judge. And, of course, I totally dig this guy, so, you know… But, really, it seems like a pattern I should at the very least acknowledge, if not avoid. If only for the likelihood that *I’ll* end up bummed out.

  3. Kelly says:

    Always ho’s before bro’s hon. And clearly, he was not paying attention. (What a back handed compliment!) And this reeks of so many guys I’d have been better off not knowing. Danger! Slippery slope ahead.
    Oh, and just a little snack for thought, 5 years? Raising a child? And this is how he decides to play it out on her? Not cool. And no, it doesn’t matter that she was not cool first.
    Play safely mate.

  4. Ruth says:

    Sigh. I wish we could have coffee.

  5. Lon says:

    Its been awhile since I stopped to read your posts and missed the move back to CA. I tried CA for a couple of months this Fall, Bay Area too. Very strange to back. Now back in E.Europe will pass through Bay Area and have holiday in what I am told is rainy California. I realized one reason I like your posts is you just write what you are thinking and feeling and let it go. The way you describe how your mind works sounds family… kind of like mine some days. You do generate a lot of laughs on my end but not being a girl a lot is over my head. Keep up the good real posts and well kill twitter it is one media tool I will never use.

    • Amanda says:

      Heya L!
      Glad to see you again… and loved your latest post, excellent photos and I am still thinking on the bridge-dwelling concept. I will post there when I have a more articulate sentence to share…

      • mochafueled says:

        Take your time. Be curious to read how you are adjusting to life in the States after living a life of adventure and exotic locals at your finger tips in HK. I am going to be resettling in Prague in January and try the teaching thing for awhile. Will try and be more faithful to my own blogging in 2011. Oh and I did find your Burning Man post of a few months ago informative.


  6. C gives the best advice. Sorry it made me laugh out loud.

    You are on the button with the power thing.

  7. Pingback: Round and Around we Rebound: I’m piloting the relationship Swiffer | No, THIS is how you do it…

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