I received an email from #5 yesterday. It was rather out of the blue. I had emailed him in October on the passing of my milestone birthday as we share a sun sign, among many other things (not sicknesses or a fondness for China White, however) so it was a reply to my email – technically – though you would not know as it referenced not one thing in the email I sent. It was like a preprogrammed response. It brought on a sense of dejavu that was erie. Where had I seen this before… oh… yeah….
I was glad to get it because it is nice to know that he is still among the living. When I told C$ about this she raised her eyebrow and I had to reflect on what it says about my relationship choices that the fact that an ex remains alive is considered significant. Yes, well, we all know, my choices are notoriously contentious. At best.
Still, the email caught me off-guard and the subsequent emotional responses I had were very strange. It was certainly distracting, but it was also kind of amazing to see the words he chose in a temporally and spatially detached context. I read it several times. In so doing, I recalled the emails he used to send to his ex-girlfriend when we were together and the interpretations of his then-reality that he would describe to her. I always thought that he was trying to ease her mind of any potential worry she might have for him. How often did I feel like telling him, that after the way they ended their relationship he could rest assured that she was not worried – she was relieved to be free. And to what end did he think the bullshit he proffered up would come? Why tell her he was drug free (as if) or that he had finally gotten his shit together (ibid) and was a changed man (ibid). I remembered feeling mildly superior to her in that I knew the reality and she was getting shit. [In hindsight, I think it is clear who was really getting the shit. Or at least the current load of it.] I recalled how she had a sense of propriety over him, like that he would always love her, as the saying goes, as he told her about me. Why would he do this? In this confessional tone? I remembered watching it all.
And I remembered ignoring all the signs that this kind of behavior was not only cyclical, but cyclical(ly – for Jeanne) bullshit.
Reading the email I received yesterday was an out-of-body experience. It was like I became her. I read his email riddled with polemical statements of his being a changed man. Of being drug free. Of being temperate. Focused on future. Business plan. Achieving critical mass.
I re-read the first line: “On new years eve just gone i met a girl and before long i had slept naked with a woman again after about 2 and a half years, it made me feel kinda normal again but i know what i lost and nothing can be done about that .However, it seems to have ended some kind of mourning period for me.” If there was some part of this email that would take me right back to the beginning when she was me before I was her – there it was.
I was faced with the relief that he was still alive and the simultaneous sadness that he had not changed, even a little. His earnest entreaties speaking to how he had changed, and what he was doing and going to do, the importance of the subtleties of the Celestine Prophecy and the coming of a critical mass, could have been copied and pasted form an email sent to another girl from another time.
I considered the timing of his email. The eve of the Lunar New Year. A holiday I have embraced fully for many reasons not the least of which is the emphasis on clearing out all your old business and putting old ghosts to rest. Had he known of his timing, it would be hard to say but equally hard to discount. I am so glad to know that he is okay and equally glad to recognize that I feel no need to re-engage; that this is a life journey on which I have little influence and at this point, little interest beyond human compassion.
Coincidentally (#5 would say there is no such thing as a coincidence – meh, who is really to say, hindsight being the bullshit artist that it is), I was called upon (eight times to be exact) by another, more recent ghost yesterday. Another with whom unfinished business certainly existed. I thought about ignoring the calls and texts… but for whatever reason, in the end, I answered the call. And I revisited what I had for a moment thought was really worth fighting for. Seeing this situation through new eyes (New Year Eyes?) I was completely underwhelmed. And to this reaction I cheered inside.
Ahhh… lessons learned, you come to me at the strangest times, in the most bizarre of guises. I believe the Rabbit may be a more effective teacher if only for the fact that this pupil has become a more astute learner. Sun nin fai lok.