“And, in the end, the love you take/ Is equal to the love you make.” ~Lennon/McCartney
I do not hate Sundays. But I do sometimes feel that melancholy that comes with the end of something and precedes the arrival of something else, ostensibly less pleasant. This seems to happen a lot on the weekends even if you do nothing all that amazing over those few brief days and even if, like me, you really like your job. It also seems to happen on a grey Monday in San Francisco into which I found myself thrust from the haze of a blindingly bright good time in the Southern California desert for the past five days.
What is the common denominator? I suppose it is just that old frenemy: Change. Going from one extreme mindset to another extreme mindset.
This weekend on more than one occasion A and I both expressed moments of total happiness. A feeling that seemed to encompass complete freedom and relaxation: No worries. This got me thinking about how this feeling could be achieved (without compromising things like employment, or personal responsibility…) I remembered being a little kid and how things did not seem to come with a sense of impending doom or finality or just plain stress, at their culmination. That in fact, each ending I viewed as a beginning.
When did endings stop being a beginning?
I know that “maturity” brings this along with increased responsibility and accountability. But still, in this light (yes, admittedly the white-hot light of the Indio sky) the sense that any ending could be a beginning seemed to be, very clearly and irrefutably, a choice. It was also abundantly clear that what we look forward to is completely personal… Some people face an impending trip with panic and would rather stay home. Some people face the return as if they are a dead man walking. When I thought about going back – back to work and rain and reality – what made that little bit of gloom pop up was the idea that somehow I wasn’t going to be prepared. True I had not finished the work I wanted to get done and that meant I would have less down time, and it was also true that I would have no where near enough rest. But I was going home to a nice place. With the world’s cutest kitteh. And at the end of the day, though some kids would ask for their papers, the fact that they were not getting them today was really not that big of a deal.
It is true what they say, (or so I choose to believe) that we will not look back on our lives and wish we had worked more, worried more, abstained more; but we will most definitely look back on our lives and be glad for the fun we had and the things we saw and the smiles we made.
I went to work on Tuesday. I was tired and it was not perfect. But it was fun and it made me smile and look forward to Wednesday. I talked to my kids. I had a plan. I got some (not all, but Imma let that go) stuff done. Charlie Sheen may think he is s rock star from Mars, but I know #winning.
And this was it.