I am feeling pretty good these days. Summer is coming and the workload is diminishing as I cruise towards the last day of school. I am even getting to sleep in a little later, which always cheers me up.
This morning as I was cruising around drinking coffee, getting yelled at by my cat and getting ready for work I had the Today Show on (for some reason). In between everyone kissing Meredtih Viera’s ass as if she had really contributed something tremendously meaningful to humanity in her stint on the program, they had Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus live from wherever the rock he lives under is located. Priebus was pounding “the resignation drumbeat” in the direction of Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY). Seriously? That is what we call this harping now? A drumbeat? Anyhow. Whatevs. He was spewing such stupid shit, it almost ruined my mood.
I had to turn it off.
But not before I listened to him prattle on about how Nancy Pelosi should “do her job” and force Weiner’s resignation because “…Sending pictures of his private parts around the world is not fitting of a U.S. congressman. I think leaders of the Democratic Party, Nancy Pelosi and Debbie Schulz should ask him to resign. It seems the only job these guys are willing to fight for is Anthony Weiner’s job. Why are they defending this guy?”
This is definitely in the Top Ten Stupidest Fucking News Stories Of All Time*.
Let me tell you how I know this to be true.
Not that long ago, I may have thought that receiving a dick-pic on the internet was shocking. I remember the first time I got one. I thought it was totally outrageous.
But that was because I didn’t really know what I was talking about. The reality is, that while it may be ridiculous, it is certainly far from outrageous. The more I heard about this kind of thing and how absolutely mundane, even uninspired and totally generic the practice is, I was no longer shocked. Not even impressed. However, I was curious.
My next mental migration along these lines lead me to the [MISTAKEN] belief that the people who were sending these pictures were a) really into me and b) sending them only to me. The fact is, the dudes who were doing this (I have a nice little list – and fellas, I still have all your email addresses, names and etcetera, FYI) were just doing it like how some people write erotic prose or poetry, or correspond through long tortured love letters, or mingle in myriad kinds of porn. It was not a strategic strike effort… these guys were carpet bombing.
Once I realized I was not that special, I was even less excited to get these sorts of photos (and really, can we all just admit that this is not the most attractive part of the male anatomy already and move onto something more aesthetically pleasing?) And in the midst of my brief education, err.. wait, my short information session, ummm.. sorry fellas.. let’s just call it my involuntary recon, I decided to ask them why. Why do they do this?
The first guy was a certain physicist you all have heard plenty about. It turns out, he just prefers these kinds of relationships. You know, the kind without a real person there. Then there was a friend, who is an amazing artist and still a friend. He was really just spreading his… wings, artistically. Those photos were interesting, inoffensive, creative and without any undisclosed intention. Then my learning curve skyrocketed. As I began to use Twitter more I realized that there are a whole lot of people out there who want to Twitpic their junk for all and sundry. Seriously. And that this was the basis of a whole lot of these “internet friendships.” One person I spoke with at length, though not on his length, says this in his Twitter bio: “I’m married. Don’t judge me, you’re fucking around here, too. I’ve got a graphic sexual imagination, I love sexy pics and I love flirting with sexy women.” One person who indulged me… or whatever, turned out to really be looking for love. I hope he has since learned that the love and affection he got from Twit-dick-pics was not really a sound platform on which to base a love affair. The object of his Tw-affection still haunts Twitter trying to elicit the kind of love Rep. Weiner was so willing to share.
And that is just my point. This whole thing is just no big thing. No offense to Mr. Weiner of course. The people making such a huge deal over this are clearly just looking to make a scene. Or they are really, truly, painfully stupid. I don’t know which truth I would prefer.
So a Democratic Congressman sent a picture of his man-bits to someone on Twitter. Yeah, his wife is probably bugged. But really, it is far less serious than say, being charged with six counts related to getting a 13-year-old girl stoned and then having sex with her… as well as being accused of sexually assaulting another girl. [Hello GOP Activist Randal David Ankeney!] Is Weiner’s wiener as bad as the Republican Congressman from Georgia who “sponsored the anti-gay Defense of Marriage Act, saying “The flames of hedonism, the flames of narcissism, the flames of self-centered morality are licking at the very foundation of our society, the family unit.” He was married three times, and paid for his second wife’s abortion (she also suspected he was cheating on her). he failed to pay child support to the children of his first two wives and while married to his third and present wife and was photographed licking whipped cream off of strippers at his inaugural party”?
Nah, Weiner’s wiener is only a wiener (under wraps, no less.) Not like Mark Foley, the Republican Representative, Florida Sixteenth Congressional District who resigned after trying to solicit sex from male congressional pages via an instant messenger program. The conversations included his asking a sixteen-year-old “stud” whether his penis was erect and requesting that he take out and measure his penis. [The cover-up involved Republican House Majority Leader John Boehner, Ohio Eighth Congressional District and Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert, Illinois Fourteenth District.] Clearly, a far cry from Joseph M. McDade, 75, longtime Pennsylvania Republican congressman who served for 36 years in the House and now works for a Washington lobbying firm, who was issued a summons on a charge of exposure of his sexual organs, a misdemeanor that carries up to a year in jail and a $1,000 fine and has also been accused of exposing his private parts to two women at a beach resort on Sanibel Island.
Dude. You are 75! Put that shit away.
And I would hate for the following morality experts to go unrecognized: Newt Gingrich, Jim Bakker, Rudy Guiliani., Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, Joe Scarborough, Bob Packwood, Jimmy Swaggart, and who was that one other guy… um… oh yes. Arnold Schwarzenegger. I mean really people. If you live here:
[For those of you who want to read more about the rocks and want to know where I got this information, check this site, which I got from @OakFoSho, quite the investigative little muckraker, who has had his heartbroken on teh interwebz, but has not dick-pic’d anyone I know.]
Please do not misunderstand me. I do not want anyone sending me dick-pics whether I like said possessor of the dick or not. I don’t condone the Congressman’s actions. [I believe that one should not ever see photos of a penis they have not actually seen in the flesh before(hand).] Something I can say for sure though, is that none of this has anything to do with politics. At all. And there are a lot of actions I deal with on a pretty regular basis that are a lot worse. Plus, if I run the risk of another beautiful Bay Area morning being sullied by some self-important little prick beating on any sort of a drum, I am going to get really angry. Besides, I think this little weenie is just mad because when his name is said aloud it actually sounds like Rice Penis (Really! I’m this big!) Though, admittedly, I have not had so much fun with anagrams in ages:
- Cuber Penis Ire
- Beer Uric Penis
- Brie Ecru Penis
- Brie Cure Penis
- Brier Cue Penis… and the obvious wiener – I mean WINNER:
- Rube Rice Penis
*Top Ten List coming VERY soon
–> Glass house image from here.