Round and Around we Rebound: I’m piloting the relationship Swiffer

Throughout my basketball career, my most dominant stats were always rebounding. I had some games where I totally controlled the boards on both sides of the floor. My record for rebounding stood for ten years or so after I graduated. My coach accused me, on more than one occasion, of padding my offensive rebound stats by being such a crap offensive threat on the put back. I can’t tell you if it was intentional but I can certainly tell you I knew how to rebound. This is one of the reasons I always liked Charles Barkley. Anyone who knows anything about basketball knows, the man dominated the boards when he was so inclined. In addition to his general hilarity, bordering on total ridiculousness, and real likelihood to say absolutely anything  [“These are my new shoes. They’re good shoes. They won’t make you rich like me, they won’t make you rebound like me, they definitely won’t make you handsome like me. They’ll only make you have shoes like me. That’s it.”] Charles always sent the ball home.

I don’t care what people think. people are stupid.
~ Charles Barkley, “The Round Mound of Rebound”

Not that I want to be the Round Mound of anything, but it turns out that rebounding continues to be a particular area of my expertise.

Who knew?

I was talking to R about this the other day. “You know, I’ve been thinking, I think I could be a professional rebound girl.” R looked at me and said, “I can’t belive you just said that. I was just having this conversation with a friend of mine.”

“Really?”
“Yeah. I was saying I wanted to put on my Facebook profile in the about me part: I’m the Rebound Guy.”
“Seriously?”
“Totally.”

I laughed. R has a very good explanation for this. I will not disclose all the details of his plan here, but I have to say it sounds pretty legit. I was considering it from a more snarky point of view, but maybe that was the wrong approach. If we, he and I, are actually Rebound people, why not set some parameters and run with it? The thing is this: Without even knowing it, I recently became the rebound girl three times over in [fairly close] succession. And like most things, if you know what you are getting into, things can be a lot less confusing, not to mention generally less offensive.

CASE #1:

This story has already been told here, but I’ll offer a quick recap. I met an interesting individual with whom I struck up a friendship. We would see each other here and there and then, as things happen in a city as small as ours, we eventually ran into each other in a situation where we were both free from other (apparent) commitments and we had our first “date.” On the second date, he disclosed that he had some baggage. Or did he say issues? Or some other euphemistic bullshit? I cannot remember. The details are not so important plus they are here. It rerouted the entire situation. Fast forward a month or so and suddenly we were not ‘bumping into each other’ anymore and it was a good amount of time before I saw him again. When I did he explained that very soon after the last time he had seen me, he had made the decision to try to work it out with his “Old Lady.”

This was not a relationship I was committed to and I was not particularly broken up about any of the above. However, now that he has apparently moved out and on from the girlfriend, he has been calling again. A lot. After a put-back like that, a second go around as a rebound is not possible, that shot went in, so I am going to have to give this a pass.

CASE #2

After quite a herculean logistical go around, I finally met up with a person that I had been put in touch with via mutual friends. This initial set up took weeks due to work schedules, personal commitments, illness and who-knows-what-else, we connected. It was all very “set-up” and I kept looking around wondering if people thought we were like one of those Match.com meet ups. You know, where the dialog seems more like an interview than an actual conversation and people generally laugh too loudly and enthusiastically. It was awkward, but the mutual acknowledgement of said awkwardness seemed to make it less so. We both chalked this up to our (proximal) ages. Anyhow, we set up a date for a couple of days down the road and also a tentative plan to go to a little concert the following week when U2 came to Oakland, and then said good-bye. With both of us being so busy, there was not a lot of communication back and forth and I was not bothered about this at all what with having very little time to be maintaining small talk. I was fine to get the pertinent details as the day in question approached. And when that day did approach, I received an email that explained, with (borderline offensive levels of) sympathy that he would not be able to make it (the next day) as he had been back in touch with his Ex and he just felt that he needed to get his head around this situation. I am not entirely clear which situation he was referring to, but I did not have much to say about it. Via email.

I did text the next day and say that I supposed this meant U2 was out. He replied with a non sequitur peppered with profuse thanks and emphatically repeated that it was nothing to do with me, that it was all about him. At this point I did become offended, because frankly, it had never even entered my mind that it was me. Until he said that. This is not an individual who is going to merit a second go. At least from someone over 25.

CASE #3

I recently met up with a friend of a friend who I had met a while back. This was platonic from the get go. Fine, pleasant, some funny concert moments, done and dusted. Following that evening he called to see if I wanted to go get a drink sometime. Sure, okay, why not? We met up a week later and went out. It was fun and ended up going a little longer than I anticipated. But, at least there was no disclosure of a cohabitational girlfriend or an age-inappropriate leaning toward twenty-somethings. A few days later another plan was formed. Okay, I was down. Then a day or so before the day in question arrived, there was a series of conditions that were going to force him to cancel. Alrighty then. A few days later, there was another communicae. Would I like to go out to dinner. Ignoring the overwhelming sense of deja-vu that I was getting, I said sure. And then, with a pleasant consistency, I received an email then night before saying, with sincere apologies, that we were going to have to cancel again due to reasons identical to those clearly outlined in Case #2 above.

Fortunately, I had already been trying to figure out how to attend a barbecue on the afternoon in question with someone else who I had been wanting to connect with for a while and so the cancellation simply allowed for me to not be double booked. While I harbor no ill-will (in any of these cases, really) I would not place money on another opportunity here either.

As I considered these three situations and thought again about R’s rationale for the bonuses of being the rebound guy, it started to seem like I really could be THE Rebound girl. Like, seriously. If you want to get back together with your boo, apparently all you have to do is go out with me a couple of times and that girl is right back up on you. I think my coach was wrong though, I am clearly really good at the put-back. I’m a matchmaker of Swiffer proportions.

This sounds like a service that could be parlayed into something very successful.

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About Amanda

I am repatriating expatriate trying to work it all out. Well, to work some of it out anyhow. I am writing here for sanity, focus and general over-sharing.
This entry was posted in Absurd Shit, Chasing the Life I was Supposed to Want, Humor, Relationships, San Francisco, Silliness, true stories and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Round and Around we Rebound: I’m piloting the relationship Swiffer

  1. thedatingleprechaun says:

    I have some sympathy with you, I seem to be ‘The Healing Guy’ before everyone moves on healed and sorted, would be nice to meet someone sorted right from the start – but I suppose there are about a dozen blokes out there in dating land who are now benefiting from the groundwork I put in with their GF in the past so mustn’t grumble too much 😉

    • Amanda says:

      The funny thing is, I am not “looking” for someone. But (kind of as you inadvertently prove) all the guys I know actually really want to be in a relationship, though they are loathe to admit it for whatever reason. These are all good guys who are just unaware (or maybe they are aware?) of their actions and how those actions appear to those around them…

  2. The T says:

    fun stuff in your blog…kinda long, but hey, you’re a girl with a lot to say apparently… I’m looking forward to more…

    T.

  3. Pingback: Identity Crisis. | No, THIS is how you do it…

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