I have been so busy lately. People who know me would know this by my absence in several areas where I usually have a greater presence. I have not been writing much. Or at least I have not been finishing anything I start writing – and when this happens I tend to get really mentally muddled. All this shit bouncing around my brain, leading me to feel more overwhelmed and then more busy…
For the most part has been a good busy, like work stuff, which I like, and people stuff, which I like (more on that presently.) I have also decided that I am going to try to go to the gym every day this month – sort of like a challenge to myself, and I don’t really like or dislike this. Though I have to say I am enjoying the fact that for the first time – probably ever – I am not going to the gym because I feel physically repugnant, but because I am trying to do something to make my knee situation better. It is nice to be freed up of the more superficial elements about going to the gym. Though, truth be told, I would feel like a giant cow if I were still in Hong Kong. Fortunately – in America I feel really thin – so, there you have the benefit of perspective, I suppose.
Speaking of cows, one of the things that has been leading to my busy-ness is a significant amount of mental energy going towards an unexpected focal point. I have been spending time (in hindsight not that much time, but that it seems like a lot is interesting) with a person who I enjoy allowing to take up my time. [This person is wicked smart and frequently a total ass (not usually to me – though that I am not above reproach is also very cool.) So, clearly I think they’re completely great.] But I am unsure if this is a good decision on my part or if I am making something out of nothing. Like, is this person just keeping me “on the hook“? Or is there something more to it? In discussing this with both T, now Dr. T to us regular folk, and R, the answers were the same, “Well, why would a guy buy a cow when he gets the milk for free…?” I am not really interested in being bovine. Or purchased for that matter. But their point is clear. The only way to find out the answer the questions I have would be to withhold the milk. [Have I mentioned I am lactose intolerant?]
I would almost just rather pass the person a note via a third-party and be like, “Do you like me? ____ Yes ____ No”
I am annoyed that there have to be rules to stuff like this. But it appears, from all angles that there are. I tried to justify the decisions I had made: I know the person fairly well. There have been “signs” that suggest certain things. The nervousness. Who called who. Who did what, when, where.
The reality is that people are messy and honesty is like using a bad paper towel to clean up a big old pile of reality. It makes it worse first. Telling someone how you feel is risky and difficult. And judging from my personal tastes, it is also a pretty direct route to awkward. I tend to not talk about these kinds of things. To anyone really. Let alone the specific people to whom I should be speaking. [My grandma apparently said about me as a young child, “A will share about anything that doesn’t matter.” Or something along those lines.]
The further reality is that I have never been made to feel so nervous around someone before, and this nervousness makes me feel like a total jackass and likely act like one too. Thus perpetuating the cycle wherein the rules become tedious and the realities become obfuscated.