This pisses me off.

I am trying to be in a good mood and often that requires purposefully not thinking about things that piss me off, but this has been impossible to ignore (though I’ve done a pretty good job up until now.) In what has got to be one of the most criminal remakes of all time, a new Footloose has been released. And if logic holds wherein the ratio of advertisements to quality are inversely proportional, it really sucks. Adding insult to injury they covered the soundtrack as well… making it all countryfied. Let’s hear it for the Redneck? Come on.

So, I went to the website and checked out all the hullabaloo. Like for example, who the HELL would think this is a good idea?

Remakes in general pale… but I think if you are going to do a remake, do like Soderbergh did for Ocean’s 11 (granted, probably not #12 and #13…) But he took a pretty weak movie – even by camp standards – and made it something better. I’d say good even. That movie is serious eye-candy at the very, very least. Remaking Footloose is like remaking, what? Like… ummm… Better Off Dead. A great niche movie. I loved me some Better Off Dead. In 1985. Right where it belongs. And I like to be able to reach right back to 1985 when I want to. I do not want to have my 1985 becoming your High School Freaking Musical.

And this movie opened at number one. Seriously? The advertisements are showing the older side of the ‘tween market talking about how they were “a little unsure because it was, like, a remake… but OMG – we were dancing in the theater!! It was so amazing!” [It lost its first position to Real Steel, which I will refrain from judging simply based on the Hugh Jackman rule. And by the Hugh Jackman rule I pretty much mean, he is in it, and probably has his shirt off at some point.]

I have a slam book from my spring break trip to Washington DC in 1984 (remember those? I cannot believe there is a Wiki entry describing them. I should probably be more shocked that I still have them.) Anyhow, I have this book in which we wrote a bunch of stupid shit – “What is your favorite drink?” Answers: “Vodka and OJ, so great!” “Peach Schnapps!!!” Yes, the exclamation points are in the book and yes, it is highly improbable that any one who wrote those answers had any real firsthand knowledge… we were lucky to get our hands on Hamm’s or California Coolers. One of the pages asks: “What is the best movie EVER made??” Answers: “Totally Footloose!” “Oh my god, the best movie ever is totally Footloose!” [Do you need to know about the favorite songs? Ummm: #1, #2, #3 – I am sure Kenny Loggins and Deniece Williams were on there too.]

Obviously, this situation hurts me deeply. Scratching the fragile veneer of my pop culturally formed heart.

Please Hollywood, can’t you keep it real, even for a minute? STOP.THIS.MADNESS. What is next? You going to get on the Swayze Train and redo Dirty Dancing?